Helicopter Parents at Scholastic Tournies

In the latest issue of CalChess Journal, President Tom Langland addresses the cultural phenomenon of helicopter parents at chess tournaments.  Indeed, any experienced coach or director can share their unique laundry list of nightmares involving overly affectionate parents.  Oxford Dictionaries define a helicopter parent as one "who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child."  These parents frustrate coaches, drive directors nuts, and do no favor to the kids they adore!

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"I see it all time, especially in chess tournaments. Parents who have extreme anxiety about separating from their child before their game starts are the chess equivalent of what is known as helicopter parents. Before a round starts, their child has to have all their pencils sharpened for them, tissues ready, their notation sheet filled out, drink bottle filled, snacks close at hand and that last minute hug (or two or three) before the round starts. Unfortunately, this causes trouble for the tournament directors who want to start the round on time. The TDs are stuck between upsetting parents who want to continue to cosset their child, and those parents, players and coaches who expect the tournament rounds to begin on time.

"I really do appreciate the problem a parent has with separating from their child and wanting to be comparable to a helicopter watching over them. Many times, I have been criticized that I don't know what it is like! Anyone who knows me understands I really do. In fact, that's how I ended up being most prolific National Tournament Director and International Arbiter in the US. When my sons started playing in like the second grade I remember being exactly like a helicopter. I would watch every move from afar, cringing every time they would hang their queen or miss a checkmate in one move. Finally at the State Grade Level Championship, I was driving my wife crazy and she suggested I volunteer to help direct to keep my mind busy. That's what got me here, and yes, I know exactly just how it feels to be a helicopter parent! It's tough!

"I've even seen helicopter parents vie against each other, like it’s a competition for who is the better parent. Two moms of opposing players aspire to be the last to leave their child. Which will get the final hug and a kiss in? All the while you can see the child hoping their parent would stop the fuss, go away and let them begin their game. Then we have the parents who have to peek in whenever the opportunity arises, holding the door open indefinitely to get that last glance in, hoping to get a glimpse of their child's position. I wish parents could see how distracting this is to all the participants. Every child has to look up to see if it is their parent peering at them, instead focusing on their game. I've even had a parent somehow observe their child forgetting to press their clock and insisted that I go over and remind the player to press their clock!
 
"Parents, the tournament staff do understand your desire to fuss over your child and to make them happy at the tournament. But please, remember the staff also wants to make the tournament a complete success and that includes starting the rounds on time and keeping distractions out of the room. Please be mindful of their requests and assist their efforts. Thank you!"

Thank YOU Tom! I could not have said it any better.

Advice for Chess Parents Revised

Daniel Naroditsky and Steven Zierk smile at 2008 CalChess Scholastics.

Editorial Note: I published this article first as an email in 2007 and on this blog in 2008.  The 2014 version has been revised more than in previous years. 

Once again, the week has arrived of the biggest scholastic chess tournament in California: the CalChess Super States in Santa Clara.  Many of the competitors—the children—have spent months preparing for the most challenging weekend of the year.  This article seeks to prepare their parents for the adventures (and stress) of a major chess tournament.  What role do adults have?  And how should a loving parent behave at a chess tournament?

Indeed, a youngster’s confidence and ability to play well reflect (in no small part) the behavior of the parents. I have seen far too many examples of adults (yes, coaches sometimes included) discouraging children, instead of offering emotional support and positive reinforcement. Is it any surprise that many of the same juniors inevitably will quit chess soon?

First and foremost, you should prepare your child with the necessary food and rest before and during the weekend. Make sure to get plenty of sleep; an extra hour of sleep will help during the last games at the end of each long day. Of course, the kids need a big and healthy breakfast (very important) plus lunch / snacks between rounds. Those in the older sections who tend to play longer games may wish to take a bottle of water and a small snack (chocolate, candy or chewing gum) with them for each round.

Trophies, trophies and more trophies!

More challenging is to strike a balance between keeping your child focused after their games while not draining all their energy. Refrain from chess activities between rounds, except for briefly reviewing the tournament games with a coach or a computer. Avoid blitz and bughouse; both cause kids to play impulsively instead of carefully thinking about the best move. Older kids may wish to bring a book, iPod or a deck of cards to play with friends. Younger kids may prefer video games. Some children go outside to play ball for a little while—enough to relax, but not as much to drain their energy.

What advice can you give immediately before the round? My suggestion is simple: "Try your best and have fun!” For example, “Try your best” means to take your time and think of different possibilities. As you walk to the board, maintain a positive attitude, but make sure to be respectful to the opponent and parent. While chess is a war game, the battle should take place only on the 64 squares.

The challenge inherent in the motto “Try your best and have fun!” is for parents to stick to it afterwards. If your child honestly tried their best, then you must offer encouragement no matter what the result. Never get angry with your son or daughter simply because they lost, even to a lower rated opponent. Legitimate reasons to become disappointed include moving too fast, lack of focus (e.g. looking at other games) or failure to record the moves. Most children are eager to talk about the game, and even parents who do not play chess will pick up key details. (e.g. “I blundered” or “I had a win, but I lost” or “I didn’t see his piece”) Just remember this maxim: Nobody is perfect.

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Neel Apte, Daniel Liu and Fpawn at 2009 CalChess Scholastics.

Up to this point, I have described how you the parent can help your child be happy (and successful) at a chess tournament. In the second half of this essay, I will profile four common parent behaviors that I hope to discourage.

1. Parent measures performance merely by wins, losses and rating points. They become upset when the child draws or loses to a lower rated player, without considering the quality of the game or day-to-day fluctuations in the strength of both players. 

Fpawn responds: Chess ratings are based on statistical formulas that predict your winning percentage. For example, a player rated 200 points higher should win about 75% of games; one rated 400 points high should score about 90%. We must come to expect an occasional bad result against a lower rated player. Even an improving player may have one bad game or a disappointing tournament. As I have told many people, progress often comes by taking two steps forward and one step backwards.

2. Parent relies on Fritz too much. Many times a parent with modest chess skill reviews a game with Fritz (or another computer program) and determines that the child missed one or more key tactics. The parent typically quotes a computer evaluation. 

Fpawn responds: No human can play like Fritz and even elite Grandmasters sometimes overlook mate in 1 (Vladimir Kramnik) or hang a piece out of the blue. Fritz is merely a training tool, and represents a superhuman standard to measure your performance against. Parents (and even coaches) sometimes forget how much more difficult it is to play with the clock ticking than to review a completed game with the computer.

Daniel Schwarz poses at 2006 CalChess Scholastics.

3. Parent wants to beat the child’s rival(s). Sadly, the parent measures the child strictly against the results of the rival. It becomes important to score more points or achieve a milestone first. Moreover, the child is forbidden to socialize with the rival, only for competitive reasons. 

Fpawn responds: In recent years, the best young players in the Bay Area have benefited from the interaction with their closest rivals. Masters Nicolas Yap, Drake Wang and Daniel Schwarz, who graduated from high school in 2007, competed for the same trophies at the CalChess States for an entire decade, yet forged strong friendships that included dozens of hours of analysis and online blitz. The benefits of chess friends and study partners far outweigh any competitive disadvantage. Set a positive example for your children to follow by meeting your child’s rivals and their parents.

4. Parent lives vicariously through their child’s achievements. Most parents are proud of the success by their son or daughter, but a few take the competition to another level by boasting. And they become resentful when the result does not meet strict expectations. 

Fpawn responds: It is of utmost importance that your child has fun. Juniors who don't truly enjoy chess (independent of goals set by their parents) simply will not improve as rapidly. You can lead a camel to water, but you cannot force it to drink. Unfortunately, kids who are pushed too hard for years become candidates to drop out of chess entirely in teen years.

Survival Guide for Chess Parents

I suggested in this blog post from last December that someone should write a book about the many hats a chess parent must wear at a tournament. Merely surviving a weekend of scholastic chess could be a science in itself, combining mathematical reasoning with psychology, navigation, nutrition, endless patience and endurance. If it seems bewildering to a tournament veteran, I hardly can imagine what parents who never played chess must go through!

Northern California scholastic guru Dr. Alan Kirshner (photo by Shorman) found the answer for his CalNorth Youth Chess newsletter. Thanks!

If you do have a budding chess player you might want to purchase Survival Guide for Chess Parents. I just checked and Wholesale Chess has it for $17.05. I guess you might call this book "Everything You Wanted to Know About Being a Chess Parent and Were Afraid to Ask!"

Parents Survival Guide to Scholastic Championships

(Anxious Bay Area parents patiently wait for games to finish in Dallas. For more photos, check out the Picasa album by Rob Wheeler.)

Here's a great topic for someone to write a book about: the many roles of parents at chess tournaments. More than a few anxious parents may feel better simply reading and learning from the experiences of someone who has been there in the past. Over the past week, Chess Life Online published a series of articles from the National K-12 Championships in Dallas to offer three unique personal perspectives into the wacko world of scholastic tournaments.

• Veteran Parent Mark Schein -- Article 1 and Article 2
  
• Coach and Bookstore Staff FM Todd Andrews -- Article 3
  
• Parent and Volunteer Melinda Matthews -- Article 4

Here's how the last article (my favorite!) begins: Ever since my son, Nicky, began playing chess, I’ve worn numerous parental hats in support of his tournament play. I’ve been his food and drink delivery service, his chauffeur, his dreaded sleep enforcer, his social coordinator. I’ve been his biggest, brashest, most ardent champion and fan. I’ve been that parent pacing nervously outside many a tournament hall, cheering every win energetically and consoling painful losses sympathetically. And I’ll sheepishly admit I’ve been that crazed, hysterical parent who strikes fear in the hearts of scholastic tournament directors everywhere (twice, tops, I swear...and it was justified, honest!).

Tournament Etiquette 101

Today's tournament at the Mechanics' Institute brought to light issues of sportsmanship and etiquette amongst chess players. Some players seem to lack proper schooling in the standards of behavior for adult tournaments. (Clarification: I do not wish to single out any player. I have at least four in mind just from this weekend. In the past, I have even seen some adults act like jerks.) To many, this is a black and white issue, like the squares of the chessboard. However, a few immature players ruin it for everyone else. Here are guidelines to make chess tournaments more enjoyable for participants of all ages.

• Know the rules! If you don't, buy or borrow the USCF's Official Rules of Chess.
• Follow the Golden Rule.
• Be polite to your opponent before and after the game.
  
• Always shake hands at both the beginning and end of a chess match.
• Be quiet as a courtesy to others!
• Turn off cell phones and other noise makers.
  
• If you must talk in the playing hall, keep your voice down.
• While talking with friends, never discuss your game in progress.
• Avoid making faces or other forms of nonverbal communication.
• Do not distract your opponent (and other players) in any way!
  
• The only words you should say to your opponent are "I resign", "I offer draw" or "I adjust". Any other issues should be addressed to the TD.
• Resign when your position is hopeless. Don't waste your opponent's time. Players over 1200 won't accidentally stalemate, except possibly in time pressure.
• Refrain from repetitive draw offers. Etiquette says you should never offer draw twice unless the position changed substantially.
• Do not offer or discuss a draw before a serious contest has begun (move 1).
  
• Avoid eating at the board, except for a light snack (no noisy wrappers).
• Dress appropriately for public. Avoid skimpy clothes or controversial messages.
  
• Walk slowly in the playing hall. Do not run or chase others.
  
• After your game ends, do not analyze in the playing hall.
  
• To minimize cheating suspicions, don't leave the playing site without permission.

Sometimes the worst transgressions are not by the players but by parents who aren't serious chess players. Here's a list specially for chess moms and chess dads.

• Emphasize sportsmanship at chess tournaments and in other arenas of life.
  
• Do not make noise in the playing hall during the round.
• Turn off cell phones and other noise makers.
• Always be polite to your child's opponents and their parents.
• Do not speak with your child during the round, unless he or she needs something.
  
• To minimize cheating suspicions, don't stand near the board for a long time.
• Be courteous to the TD. Note that he or she is often a volunteer or underpaid.
• In case of a dispute, be mature--like an adult. Set a good example!
  
• Encourage your child's competitiveness in a positive way.
• Always support your child after a loss. Never scold him or her just because of the result. It is better to teach your lesson later when the child is ready to listen.
• Remember that chess players only improve if they have fun as well!

Parents may also wish to read my May 13th post on the related topic: How should a parent behave at a chess tournament?

Advice to Chess Parents

(These three chess dads are patiently waiting outside of the playing room at the Sacramento Championship on the 4th of July weekend.)

The annual CalChess State Scholastic Championships take place next weekend. As a chess coach, I spend my time preparing juniors for the most challenging weekend of their lives. What role do the parents have? How should a parent behave at a chess tournament?

To start out, you should prepare your child with the necessary food and rest before and during the weekend. Make sure to get plenty of sleep; an extra hour of sleep will help a lot during the last games at the end of each long day. Of course, the kids need something big and healthy to eat for breakfast (very important) and between each game. Those players in the older sections tend to have longer games and may wish to take a bottle of water and a small snack (chocolate, candy, or gum) with them for each round.

Somewhat more challenging is to strike a balance between keeping your child focused between rounds while not draining all their energy. Refrain from chess activities, except for reviewing the tournament games briefly with a coach or a computer. Avoid blitz and bughouse between rounds because both games cause the children to play impulsively instead of carefully thinking about the best move. Older kids may wish to bring a book or a deck of cards to play with their friends. Younger kids may prefer video games. Another idea may be to bring a ball and go outside for a little while—enough to relax but not too much to drain all of their energy.

What should the parent say right before the round? My advice is simple: try your best and have fun! For example, one big aspect to trying your best is to take your time during the game. Of course, when you get to the board, make sure to be respectful to the opponent and parent. While chess is a war game, the battle should take place only on 64 squares.

The hard part about the motto “try your best and have fun” is to stick to it afterwards. If your child tried their best, then you must encourage them no matter what the result. Never get angry with your son or daughter simply because they lost, even to a lower rated opponent. A few common and legitimate reasons to get upset include moving too fast, lack of focus by looking at other games or failure to record the moves. Most children will be eager to talk about the game afterwards and even parents who aren’t strong chess players may pick up key details (e.g. “I blundered” or “I had a win but I lost” or “I didn’t see his piece”). Be aware that even chess players who try their best might blunder and miss a move that they should have seen.

Let me close by profiling four kinds of parent behaviors that I hope to discourage.

1. Parent measures performance merely by wins, losses and rating points. They become upset when the child draws or loses to a lower rated player, without considering whether the game was well played or the opponent simply had a good day. My response: Chess ratings are based on a statistical formula that predicts your winning percentage. For example, a player rated 200 points higher should win 75% of games and one rated 400 points high should win 90%. We must come to expect an occasional bad result against a lower rated player. Even an improving player may have one bad game or a disappointing tournament. As I’ve told many people, progress typically comes through two steps forward and one step backwards. Look at the big picture instead of every single game.

2. Parent relies on Fritz too much. I have seen many cases where a parent reviews a game with Fritz or another computer program and finds out that the child missed one or more key tactics. The parent will typically quote a computer evaluation, often mentioning scores like +5. My response: No human can play like Fritz and even top Grandmasters sometimes overlook mate in 1 (Kramnik) or hang a piece for no reason at all. Fritz is merely a tool to get better but an impossible standard to measure your performance against. Parents (and even coaches) sometimes forget or never realized how much more difficult it is to play the game with the clock ticking than to review it afterwards with a computer.

3. Parent hates child’s rival(s). Unfortunately, I see all too often when a parent measures his or her own child against the result of the rival. It is important to score more points or achieve a milestone first. The child is often forbidden to socialize with the rival, purely for competitive reasons. My response: In recent years, the best young players in the Bay Area have benefitted from the interaction with their closest rivals. Masters Nicolas Yap, Drake Wang and Daniel Schwarz, who all graduated from High School last year, competed for the same trophies at the CalChess Scholastics for an entire decade, yet also forged strong friendships that included many hours of chess analysis and blitz games. The benefits of having friends in the chess community and someone to study with far outweigh any competitive disadvantage. Take the opportunity this weekend meet your child’s rivals and their parents. Set a positive example for the children to follow.

4. Parent lives for their child’s achievements. Most parents are proud of the success by their son or daughter, but a few take it to another level by bragging. They seek success, often even more than the kids. Those same parents become resentful when the result was not quite as good. My response: It is always of utmost importance that your child has fun. Juniors who don't truly enjoy chess (independent of their parents) simply will not improve as rapidly. You can lead a camel to water, but you cannot force it to drink. Unfortunately, these youngsters, who often have been pushed hard for many years, become prime candidates to drop out of chess entirely as they turn 13 or 14.

For another insightful perspective on competitive chess parents, please read two reports on Chess Life Online written by Mark Schein of New York from Pittsburgh, the venue of the recent Bert Lerner National Elementary School Championships. Mr. Schein writes about years of experience attending national competitions as a father. Click here for the first article and the second article.

Good luck to both the thousand players at the CalChess Scholastics and the many equally pumped up parents!

Preparing for a Big Tournament

Budding young writer NM Jonathan Hilton from Ohio offers his detailed advice on how to prepare for a major chess tournament in his preview of this weekend's National High School Championship in Atlanta. With the CalChess Scholastics just a month away, I highly recommend this article on Chess Life Online to both scholastic players and their parents. Hilton, who is in 11th grade and rated 2248, addresses the following topics:

• Check the advance entry list so you know what to expect and whom you may play.
• Repeatedly play over games from previous tournaments to learn from mistakes.
• Understand where you are now and set a realistic goal.
• Avoid overhauling your entire opening repertoire right before the tournament.
• Instead of preparing openings for specific opponents, improve your understanding in one or two variations.
• Be prepared for psychological tricks intended to distract you. For example, resist the temptation to move too fast.
  
• Exercise regularly. Be fit both physically and mentally.
• Rest your mind for a day or two. Do not cram chess!
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Have fun!

(The photo above is of Michael Zhong from Los Altos High School, the 2007 National High School co-Champion. Unfortunately, homework prevents him from playing this year. Zhong's personal experience, which he shared in this interview with CalChess, contradicts Hilton's advice, especially the point about cramming a new opening repertoire.)